Realisation

Garr … Gerrr ….I felt old rusted Fan which was facing me, was producing more sound than it actually rotating in a circular motion. Though I kept it to flow cold air to drop the temperature down inside the room as compare to outside, it hardly cools me just sitting two foot step front from it; Today for the first time in my entire life I thought my grandfather’s only presented present left with me need be either dumped or to be fixed.

Beside that fan I was sitting in front of a "screen of a black boarded monitor from which white flash light was coming from the webcam hanging on its one upper side" opening my PC .

“With both feelings of excitement and anxiety at a same time to know what will she reply”, I log in and log out my Facebook account after each fifteen minutes of interval after sending her apologize and rejoin proposal message but she didn’t reply.

I eagerly wanted to know how will she react, will she forgive me and accept me again; I thought about it from every aspect,

At the same time I was getting answers from a part of heart within me it was saying she will forgive you though you may had create her life upside down many times but still she loves you and more than that she is a girl with a big heart. But another  part doesn’t agree.

Finally after one day she sent me a lengthy message but it resembles and written in more kinds of poem and a letter style.

Hi dear,

       I wanted to hear this from you many months before

         When I had given you everything that I could give,

              But when, you never accepted.

When I was emotionally, psychologically, physically broke, I expected you to consult,

              But when, you never consulted.

When I cried like an infant in front of your face and ear, I wanted you to see and hear

             But when, you never saw and heard.

When at the time you argued me, I hoped you to understand the situation

             But when, you never understood.

When you abandon me in this lonely world, I simply wanted to sleep

              But when, I couldn’t sleep those mystery nights.

When I cried and cried remembering your words, I hoped you to make me laugh

            But when, you never allowed me to laugh.

When I got stuck with anger and depression, I hoped you would come to heal

             But when, you never come to heal.

When I struggle with arrogance, fear, insecurity and other negative forces, I expected you to show me a way

              But when, you never come to show me a way to out of it.

           I expected you to be behind me that every breath that I inhaled.

But you was never there,  so why should I  struggle like “an educated unemployed youth who travel office to office, town to town in search of job and after getting job he discover  this that job is worthless; so he leaves the job and start his adventure again until he realized that he himself is worthless" same is with me I searched too much in you and found you an affection-less empty heart person who has no real feelings for me as you said, know I discovered at last that either you are worthless or either me.

I want to let you know Now that everything is over and soon our relationship will too become a story that would never be known

During last two years everything is changed from me to entire world “look around middle east had changed, Gaddhfi had been dethrone, Assad is on process, protest against capitalism occupy wall street had evolved and spread with momentum from west London to far east Tokyo, Obama had failed what he had promised few years before when he was on presidential election, now world reached 7 billion mark, more than 96 Tibetans immolated ” within them my heart is like “ an air which never retained a fixed place” my heart too can’t avoid those outer changes which change my inner beliefs.

I have nothing more to say, just be happy and let me be.

I am sorry sweetheart

XYZ

I read it again and again, I couldn’t believe myself that she had rejected my rejoined proposal. I got emotionally broke as she refers; the pain grew and blocked all my mental abilities to move to make a decision what to do.

Days and days later, I started to scold and hate myself, lost interest in every activity from eating to studying, Negative thoughts were developed and anger and depression become activities.

I questioned myself that why the realization process comes after action. At that very day I realized my mistake; that can’t be rearranged at any time.

Now today 12 months passed still I hardly heal myself. “ The shape of her eye, her long eyelashes, her inch circular birthmark above her eye,  slid upturned nose and her full lips” presence in my mind and draws her picture in my heart without even a slid mistake.